INFIDELITY- Its Tragic Consequences

Kate, a 35-year-old, really wanted to make the marriage work; her husband had assured her that he would never leave her. "We promised to stand by each other, come what may," Kate recalls. "I was convinced that he meant it. Then . . . he did that. Now I've got nothing—not a cat or a goldfish—nothing!"

Hiroshi will never forget the day his mother's extramarital affair came to light. "I was just 11 years old," he recalls. "Mom came storming through the house. Dad was right behind her, saying, 'Just hang on. Let's talk about this.' I could sense that something had gone horribly wrong. Dad was shattered. He's never quite recovered. What's more, he had no one to confide in. So he turned to me. Imagine it: a man in his 40's coming to his 11-year-old son for consolation and empathy!"

Whether it is the scandalous affairs that have rocked royalty, politicians, film stars, and religious leaders or the betrayal and tears in our own families, marital unfaithfulness continues to take a tragic toll. "Adultery," states The New Encyclopædia Britannica, "seems to be as universal and, in some instances, as common as marriage." Some researchers estimate that between 50 and 75 percent of people have at some time been unfaithful. Marriage researcher Zelda West-Meads says that although much infidelity goes undetected, "all the evidence points to affairs being on the increase."
An Avalanche of Feelings

Though shocking, the statistics for infidelity and divorce do not reveal the full impact on people's daily lives. Besides the enormous financial implications, consider the mountains of feelings locked in those statistics—the buckets of tears shed and the immeasurable confusion, grief, anxiety, and excruciating pain that is suffered, as well as the countless nights that family members spend in sleepless anguish. The victims may survive the ordeal, but they are likely to carry the scars for a long time. The hurt and damage is not easily undone.

"A marital breakdown normally produces a huge eruption of emotions," explains the book How to Survive Divorce, "an eruption which sometimes threatens to obscure your vision. What should you do? How should you react? How do you rise above it all? You may swing from certainty to doubt, from anger to guilt or from trust to suspicion."

That was Pedro's experience after he learned about his wife's unfaithfulness. "When there is infidelity," he confides, "then a flood of confusing emotions rain down." The sense of devastation is difficult enough for victims to comprehend—let alone outsiders, who have little grasp of the situation. "No one," claims Kate, "really understands how I feel. When I think about my husband being with her, I feel a real physical pain, an ache that is impossible to explain to anyone." She adds: "There are times that I think I'm going crazy. One day I feel so in control; the next day I don't. One day I miss him; the next day I remember all the scheming and lying and humiliation."
Anger and Anxiety

"At times," admits one victim of infidelity, "the emotion that hits you is raw anger." It is not just indignation about the wrong done and the injury inflicted. Rather, as one journalist explained, it is "resentment of what could have been, and was spoilt."

Also common are feelings of low self-worth and feelings of inadequacy. Pedro confides: "You have feelings like these: 'Am I not attractive enough? Am I in some other way deficient?' You start to dissect yourself to find the fault." In her book To Love, Honour and Betray, Zelda West-Meads, of the British National Marriage Guidance Council, confirms: "One of the hardest things to cope with . . . is the decimation of your self-esteem."
Guilt and Depression

Close on the heels of these emotions usually come waves of guilt. One despondent wife says: "I think women suffer a great deal with feelings of guilt. You blame yourself and wonder: 'What did I do wrong?'"

A betrayed husband reveals another aspect of what he calls roller-coaster emotions. He explains: "Depression becomes a new factor that sets in like bad weather." When her husband left her, one wife recalls that not a day went by that she was not in tears. "I can clearly remember the first tear-free day some weeks after he left me," she relates. "It was some months before I had my first tear-free week. Those tear-free days and weeks became milestones that marked my way forward."
Double Treachery

What many do not realize is that often the adulterer has dealt a bitter double blow to his spouse. In what way? Kate gives us a clue: "It was hard for me. He was not only my husband but also my friend—my best friend—for many years.— Yes, in most cases a wife turns to her husband for support when problems arise. Now, not only has he become the cause of very traumatic problems but he has also stopped being a much-needed source of help. In one fell swoop, he has caused severe pain and robbed his wife of her trusted confidant.

As a result, the profound sense of betrayal and shattered trust is one of the most overwhelming feelings experienced by innocent mates. One marriage counselor explains why marital betrayal can be so emotionally crippling: "We invest so much of ourselves, our hopes, dreams and expectations, in marriage . . . , searching for someone we can really put our faith in, someone we feel we can always rely on. If that trust is suddenly taken away, it can be like a house of cards blown over in the wind."

Quite clearly, as noted in the book How to Survive Divorce, victims "need help in sorting out the emotional upheaval . . . They may need help in working out what choices they can make and how to make them." But what are those choices?

'Is reconciliation the answer for us?' you may wonder. 'Or should I get a divorce?' Especially if the marriage has been strained, it may be very tempting to conclude hastily that divorce is the solution to your problems. 'After all,' you may reason, 'the Bible permits divorce on the ground of marital unfaithfulness.' (Matthew 19:9) On the other hand, you may reason that the Bible does not insist on divorce. You may, therefore, feel that it would be better to reconcile and rebuild and strengthen the marriage.

WHY STAY A VIRGIN?

"Are you still a virgin?" The very question might make you cower! Afterall, in many places a youth who is a virgin is likely to be viewed as a curiousity, an oddball. No wonder so many young people have sex before they're out of their teens!

PULLED BY DESIRE, PUSHED BY PEERS
Even as a christian, you find it hard to control your sexual urges. "Attimes, thoughts about sex enter my mind without any apparent cause or reason," admits a young man named Jose. Be assured that to a large extent, such feelings are normal.
However, being the victim of unrelenting teasing and harassment for being a virgin is no fun at all! For instance, what if your peers tells you that you're not a real man or woman unless you've had sex? Your peers make sex seem exciting and normal,"says Ella. "If you,re sleeping around, you're classed as weird."
But there's a side to premarital sex that your peers may not talk about. For example, Kay, who had sex with her boyfriend, recalls; "Afterwards i felt embarassed and ashamed. I hated myself and i hated my boyfriend." Such experiences are more typical than most youths realize. In reality, premarital sex is often an emotional painful experience with devastating consequences!
However, a youth named Caro asks, "why would God give young people sexual desires, knowing that they should not use them until after marriage?" Thats a good question. BUT consider the following..

ARE SEXUAL URGES THE ONLY STRONG FEELINGS YOU EXPERIENCE?
Not at all. Jehovah God created you with the capacity to feel a wide range of desires and emotions. Do you have to act on each impulse the instant that it wells up inside you? No, for God also made you with the ability to control your actions.
What's the lesson, then? You may not be able to keep certain desires from arising, but you can control your reaction to them. Really, to act upon every sexual urge would be as wrong and foolish as hitting someone each time you felt anger.
The fact is, God never intended for us to misuse our procreative powers. "Each one of you should know how to get possesion of his own vessel in sanctification and honor, "says the Bible. Just as there is a "time to love and a time to hate," there is also a time to act on sexual urges and a time to refrain from doing so. Ultimately you are in control of your desires!
Not at all. Jehovah God created you with the capacity to feel a wide range of desires and emotions. Do you have to act on each impulse the instant that it wells up inside you? No, for God also made you with the ability to control your actions.
What's the lesson, then? You may not be able to keep certain desires from arising, but you can control your reaction to them. Really, to act upon every sexual urge would be as wrong and foolish as hitting someone each time you felt anger.
The fact is, God never intended for us to misuse our procreative powers. "Each one of you should know how to get possesion of his own vessel in sanctification and honor, "says the Bible. Just as there is a "time to love and a time to hate," there is also a time to act on sexual urges and a time to refrain from doing so. Ultimately you are in control of your desires!

3 THINGS LONG DISTANCE LOVE TAUGHT ME ABOUT MEN!

It was more than two years ago on a dreadful Sunday morning in an overcrowded Mexican airport that I said goodbye to my boyfriend. It turned out that goodbye was just the beginning of several more heart wrenching goodbyes over a period of more than two years. We had flown to Mexico for his brother's wedding, and after an entire night (yes Mexican weddings really do last the entire night) of dancing & drinking, we made the somber drive to the airport to part ways. I was headed back to the states, and he was headed to an island far, far away.

We eventually settled into a routine which consisted of nightly phone calls and daily emails. We tried to see each other every few months and eventually the time passed. Now we are finally going to be by each other and will soon be planning our wedding. However, when I look back on all the tears, the arguments, and the painful goodbyes, I realize that being in a long distance relationship has taught me not only a lot about my boyfriend but about the male perspective in general. Here's what I've learned:

1) Men are sensitive

We all know that men show emotion differently than women. However, this should not be confused with thinking that men don't feel the same emotions we do; they just display their feelings differently. In my relationship, for example, it's usually my boyfriend who ends our phone calls, and well being a girl, I could talk for hours upon hours on the phone. My boyfriend will usually say something to the effect of "ok honey I need to get going." To this I usually respond by saying, "no, 2 more minutes." Well funny thing is that when I decided to stop trying to keep him on the phone, he actually felt sad. He kept saying "ok I'm really gonna get going" and I proudly kept saying "ok I'll let you go then."

After repeating this cycle for a couple minutes, I realized that my boyfriend was waiting for me to say "no, 2 more minutes." See, my boyfriend likes knowing that I need him and miss him; he just doesn't say it directly.

2) Men think you're beautiful even when you don't agree

Couples separated by a long distance relationship often use a webcam in order to stay in touch. When my boyfriend and I decided to give the webcam a try, I would actually spend a lot of time doing my hair and makeup as though I were going on a real date. With time, I began to realize that even when we chatted first thing in the morning when my hair was scary and my eyes were puffy, my boyfriend still couldn't stop telling me how beautiful he thinks I am.

Of course your man wants you to take care of yourself, and he certainly appreciates your effort. The point, however, is that he loves you and thinks you're beautiful no matter what even when you first wake up.

3) Men care a lot about your opinion

Your man would probably never admit how much your opinion affects him, but I can guarantee you that it does. You're likely the person that he feels closet to so it only stands to reason that your opinion is extremely important to him. If my boyfriend, for example, says something that makes me laugh, then he will repeat it on other occasions just to hear my laughter again. He feels powerful when he can make you laugh, and he wants to know that he has that affect on you.

Your boyfriend is probably not going to parade into the living room asking "does this shirt make me look fat," but I guarantee he feels good when you compliment him.

In conclusion, these are the top 3 things I've learned about men from being in a long distance relationship. I hope they help you to understand the male perspective a bit more. Just don't let my boyfriend know that I am on to his secrets!

WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE A MAN FALL IN LOVE

What does it take to make a guy fall in love so hopelessly that he'll stay with you forever? How do women build strong and lasting relationships? What do you have to do to make sure your man will never leave you? One of the biggest fears all women face is that the relationship they've invested time and effort into won't last. As a result, many women want to know what it takes to make a guy fall in love and that's why we're here to help.

One of the biggest problems with men is that they often confuse ideas of love and lust. Sometimes the physical attraction they feel towards a woman is so powerful that they have a hard time believing it's anything less than love. Of course, once they get what they really want and the charm wears off, the fact that they weren't ever in love becomes quickly clear, but it doesn't stop them from doing the same thing all over again.

Wouldn't it be so much easier if love and lust were the same thing? You wouldn't really need much more than that first spark to ensure a happy and loving life. You could have the man of your dreams just by virtue of your attractiveness or your flirting ability. Unfortunately, the reality of love isn't quite that easy. But you're not without the power to turn that immediate physical energy into the more pure energy of love.

One of the primary reasons men fall in love is that they find themselves with a girl who opens up their understanding of themselves. Men have a hard time realizing they're in love because they're not very well connected to their emotions. It's when a girl comes along who helps a man realize exactly what he is feeling, who opens his mind to his emotional side, that he ends up falling truly head over heels.

If you want to take your relationship to the next level and make your guy sincerely fall in love with you, you need to connect with him emotionally. In order to ensure that he'll never leave you, you need to learn how to be his friend. You need to learn to not only accept his flaws, but love him for that. In order to make a guy fall in love with you, you need to connect with him on the deepest and most understanding level as possible, and once you do, you can be sure that he'll love you forever.